Awesome. I haven't blogged for 3 weeks. Yup. Apparently I'm on the 3 weeks on-3 weeks off plan. Kind of like exercise. Ah well. Life is always a learning experience, at least for me.
It seems I've been dealing with resistance with a capital R. No, I didn't make this up, I borrowed it from Steven Pressfield. Not working on my book, not blogging. Not doing much of anything in the writing world except for writing my morning pages.
Last night I kind of had a mini-break down. I'm blaming it on the heat, since it has been very warm here in Portland and I was out in the sun all day. I don't know what it was. I found myself wallowing in the sea of uncertainty. What am I doing? Why am I here? Am I a loser? All these ridiculous things. The back of my neck was sore and I was convinced it was a brain tumor and that it was as I suspected, I am just waiting to die. All kinds of craziness.
So, I put myself to bed. I had to put myself to bed the other night too, after getting home from a great time with my brother in Oakland, CA. I slept too little the night before my flight and was SUPER grumpy with everyone. Seems to be the case a lot lately.
Julia Cameron says we start acting out when we aren't creating. Boy is she right. That's the problem. No external writing. I've been doing a lot of other things though. I have been on a cleaning rampage. Now, I am renting a room from a family friend, so I live in about a 12x12 space. It's amazing how much stuff can still accumulate even living so small. I went back through everything, and I mean everything (clothes, papers, books, etc.) and got everything cleaned and organized. I'm moving my stuff I've had in storage in my brother's garage to its' own storage unit and getting everything super-tidy. For what, I'm not sure. But, maybe this will help me feel lighter. I've been feeling a little bogged down lately.
And so I came across a note from my mom while organizing. The front of the card says this "Do not follow where the path may lead - go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." The inside of the card was handwritten with a lot of advice but she also said this "...a sedentary life will never suit you. Get rid of the things that limit you - pretty soon you will fly, you are at the edge surveying everything."
Such timely words, even from beyond the grave. She always had a knack for doing that, timely words of encouragement on notes were her thing. So maybe this getting rid of things and getting things organized is so I can prepare for flight. Or something. I don't know what. But what it did do is remind me that I'm not crazy. That sometimes when you make a trail it's messy and dirty, sweaty work because you have to cut down a lot of brush. And sometimes you don't always see the way clear, but if you keep moving forward, then you don't get stuck and eventually you will break free. It also shows others there is another different way to go.
See, there. I feel better already having posted this, EVEN IF NO ONE READS IT. That's what happens when you do what you are supposed to be doing in this life. You do the work, and are not responsible for the outcome. You don't do it for success, for fame, even for a paycheck. You do it in service, and because you have to. And, you get more crazy the longer you don't do it. I learned that from Julia Cameron and Steven Pressfield. And for me, primarily, I know that work is writing. I have to share my stories with the world because there is no one who has my voice. Sometimes it's hard and difficult because I'm cutting a trail for myself that has never existed before. And it's definitely much easier to follow a well-defined trail. But I just can't. And so I won't.